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Should I Move in With Him? April 6, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, More Money More Problems, Relationships, The Move.
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It’s one of the most difficult dating questions. You like somebody. You get along so well. You basically already spend all of your time together at one person’s house. So…why not just move in together?

This is the death trap of countless relationships for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that always being together in a living space is different than living together in a space from which you cannot make a strategic retreat for some alone time.

We all love some of our roommates, but sometimes we kind of hate them just for existing and not letting us have some time at home alone.

So it is with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Always being together is different than having to be together. Moreover, shared living also brings some rather unsexy conglomerations like shared bills, and dirty laundry and dish controversies.

When you spend all your time together when you get into a fight, you can leave for a day or even a few moments to cool down, get perspective, and deal with them again. When you live with them and you fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend and need some space, you have to leave your own home to cool down or re-orient. Ironically, some alone time at home is exactly what could have been most helpful to you, and yet that is the one thing that is not possible. Of course, maybe you’re willing to tell your partner to leave their own house because you’re angry at them. That approach is doomed to fail, since it’s rather unfair since they pay rent as well, and demanding that they leave every time you get angry could create some pretty unhealthy relationship dynamics.

However, the biggest pitfall of moving in prematurely is the new awkward financial incentive of staying together. Once you’re in a great apartment and paying a cheap rent by splitting a one bedroom, breaking up means increasing your rent by up to twice.

Breaking up is hard enough to do, but add the added negative consequence of doubled rent, or the simple inability to be able to afford the same neighborhood, it can create some unhealthy and incorrect relationships that are maintained in large part to keep the rent down.

Maybe you’re ready to move in. But it’s something that is more serious than just more “fun” time together. In fact, it could destroy your relationship quicker than you can say “why do you always leave your dirty sox on the floor?”

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