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Swingers: The Dating Zen Master Speaks March 29, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, Relationships, Swingers, You Tubes of Love.
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The Proposal March 28, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Marriage, The Proposal.
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One of the biggest decisions a person can make in their life is deciding to propose. Although times are changing, this is usually a decision that falls on the man.

During a time I was juggling with such a decision I started taking an informal poll of men I met who had proposed, and I asked them this simple question:

“What made you decide to propose?”

The answers were very disturbing.

Amazingly not one person, not a single one said something like ” I was just so in love.” The answers were something along the lines of:

“I was moving and wanted her to feel secure in the relationship”

“We had been together for five years”

“She was getting anxious”

“I was going to school and wanted her to feel secure”

“My parents kept asking about it”

“I was getting old and it was getting time to get married”

“She kept asking me why I hadn’t proposed”

“She gave me a deadline”

“Financially it made sense at the time”

“I wanted her to know that I wasn’t interested in other girls”

These rather uninspiring responses ultimately help kept me from taking the plunge… looking back now….. rightfully so.

Perhaps these answers can shed light on the somewhat amazing figure that around 50% of first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce.

In fact, as of 2005, married households are now no longer the majority.

So, maybe people are wising up and giving up on this whole “marriage” thing.

– The Love Doctor

Why Do Some Women Date Broke Ass Dudes? March 27, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, More Money More Problems, Relationships.
31 comments

It’s really an amazing phenomenon. So many women have told me stories about how they would date men who have no money.

I don’t mean no money like not taking them to nice restaurants, I’m talking no money like can you pay for our pizzas tonight. No money like…really I don’t have any money… for anything.

Why would they do it?

It’s the power of control. If your boy is broke, he’s not going anywhere.

He may be cheating, he may be an asshole, he may be unsexy, but he’s yours, and that dude ain’t breaking up with you……….ever.

In addition, aside from ensuring that he will always be around, it obviously infiltrates the ongoing nature of the relationship.

The power dynamic in that relationship is undeniably shifted towards the woman. Decisions, interactions, and conversations all take place under the cloud of financial dependence. It’s an unspoken undertone of all that goes on.

Moreover, women who date one guy like this, often have dated many guys. Indeed, for a period of their lives they have often only dated guys with no money.

I think one possible explanation is that in a lot of cases these women have seen their mothers struggle with men for power in their lives and their daughters therefore seek to preemptively control men. Another is that some of their mothers are very bitter towards men (in many cases rightfully so) and infuse in their daughters a very un-trusting view of men that pushes them to attempt to preemptively control them.

Of course, I’m all for shifting the power dynamic towards women in society and in relationships, but I don’t think that this is the best way.

Indeed, I don’t think that many relationships like this end well…for probably obvious reasons.

How Do I Get Him To Be in a Relationship? March 26, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, Relationships, Strategery.
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That’s the eternal question.

The narrative usually goes that two people are hooking up, and after awhile, the girl wants a commitment.

Now we all know that that is a simplistic narrative, and that things are oftentimes not actually that way.

But we also know that there is truth to this narrative, in perhaps the majority of these we’re just hooking up situations.

So, what should a women do to get a guy to commit to her who she develops feelings for, but who is technically just hooking up with her?

The answer is……..nothing…….just be fabulous.

Many women make the mistake of brining up commitment, and starting to sometimes nag the guy about becoming monogamous. This approach oftentimes works, often happens begrudgingly, and can have long term resentment effects on the relationships that result.

The other mistake women often make to try and transition a guy from hookup buddy to boyfriend is to try and make him feel insecure by starting to hang out with other boys, her ex-boys, or just becoming generally more flirtatious with others. This approach also often works because the guy feels threatened and wants to “lock” you down. However, similarly, this tactic, though successful, has long term negative effects on the underlying trust of the subsequent relationship. It also sets a bad precedent for how to get your way about future issues of disagreement during the actual relationship.

The best answer, as I said above, is really to just do nothing and be fabulous.

The following doesn’t apply if you’re really just hooking up, but will work if there’s some underlying larger interest.

Of course, if he’s just sleeping with you for your body and just to hook up, you’re sort of out of luck anyways.

However, if the guy also genuinely likes you, he will eventually want to start a relationship with you for the same reasons he first started dating you……….. you’re fabulous.

Instead of starting a nagging campaign, keep being yourself, and keep doing what you were doing when he first got interested.

In fact, the best approach is not to bring it up, but wait for him to do it, and the relationship will never feel like an obligation to him. That’s, really key.

If he has to ask you, it will set a solid foundation that gets out of that guy-relationship-as-obligation-narrative that everybody is sick of hearing about anyways.

In short, keep having fun with him and in the relationship. While the other approaches are negative, this approach is positive, because it gives him a positive reason to date you by showing him why he should, not by trying to explain to him that he should want to.

If you keep having fun, keeping being yourself, and keep the relationship dynamic, he’ll eventually realize he wants to be in a relationship with you.

And you won’t even have to have one “talk.”

And if he doesn’t come around, then he never would have wanted to. Although he may been convinced to……..and really……….. who wants somebody as a boyfriend they had to convince to date them?

– The Love Doctor

How Do I Get A Dime? March 25, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, Strategery.
2 comments

That’s the question on most NYC guys minds. How do I get that dime…..that perfect woman? That woman who is beautiful, intelligence, sexy, and inspiring. Again, in short, undeniably perfect. How do I find her? Where is she?

Well, if she’s 25 or above she’s either:

1) Married (happily)
2) Married (unhappily)
3) In a relationship (happily)
4) In a relationship (unhappily)
5) Engaged (out of fear)
6) Engaged (actually in love)

The tough thing for guys on the prowl for that perfect woman is that…..everybody also knows that she’s perfect.. and have also been pursuing her for a long time as well.

That means that guys dating her are unlikely to let her go, and are doing a lot to hold onto her. Even when/if she does break up with him, or let’s say he even dumps her, she is immediately swooped up on the rebound.

Think about it, how many model beautiful women, who are also incredibly intelligent, and let’s even throw in funny and maybe even nice are actually single. I know women like that who are below 25, but not above. I’m not talking just attractive or cool, I’m talking conversation stopping.

It’s supply and demand, there’s not many of them to begin with, and there’s a lot of guys pursuing them…..all the time.

What options does that leave NYC bachelors to start dating her? These are the unsavory options facing NYC bachelors”

1) Steal her from her boyfriend.
2) Date her while she’s dating her boyfriend.
3) Meet her at the exact moment she breaks up
4) Meet her while she’s with him and secretly lay the foundation for a future relationship through a platonic “friendship” until she breaks up.

These are the options, and they all apply equally to engaged and married women as well.

Sufficed to say, dating a woman who is 25 or above does not begin on sexy territory, which is likely to ultimately affect the security and quality of the resulting relationship.

– The Love Doctor

Where Are The Hottest Women In New York? March 23, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating.
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Yeah… I’d just like to know.

Consult With the Love Doctor March 22, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Consultation.
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This blog has only started up in earnest in the last few weeks. For a new blog we’ve gotten a great deal of interest, and thanks for reading!

I welcome your comments on these posts and your critiques of my diagnoses.

You can now directly contact/consult with me via email (metrocardsandcondoms@gmail.com).

Send me your stories, ask for advice, or if you’re up for it, send me a piece that I can post for you on Metrocards and Condoms as a guest contributor.

If you send me a few that I really like, I may invite you to guest contribute to Metrocards every month or so.

So consult with the Love Doctor and send me your own insights into and questions about the madness that is dating and love in NYC and the world.

Or… just leave your questions and requests for advice below in the comments section!

– The Love Doctor

Does Money Matter? March 22, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, More Money More Problems, Strategery.
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Of course it does. Money matters in all aspects of our lives. We would probably be different people and act in different ways if we had more or less money. It’s sad but true that it also affects the words of relationships and love.

You could meet a great guy, but if he always has money problems, or can never take you out to places that you like, it affects the relationship.

Similarly, you could already like a guy, and the fact that he can randomly treat you to a weekend trip to France or the Bahamas makes it easier to like him even more.

Money helps smooth over rough stops in this way. If things aren’t as sexy as they used to be, you just go on a trip somewhere, have a night in a hotel, or you get a great gift.

This dynamic doesn’t just affect materialistic people, it affects us all.

At the same time money can’t make a feeling that isn’t already there occur. Money can’t make you actually like somebody (although it can make you like their money), but it can interrupt and distort your feelings for somebody that you already like.

A lawyer friend of mine used to always said there’s a famous phrase for the LSAT about being necessary v. sufficient.

That’s the dynamic with money mattering in relationships.

Money is necessary to find true happiness, but it is not sufficient.

Money can’t buy love, but still, if you don’t have money, you’re screwed, and if you do…..well you’ve got a much better shot at happiness.

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How Do You Juggle Two People At Once? March 20, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, Strategery.
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It’s hard work. Juggling two (or even more) dating options at once can sometimes be more stress or trouble than it’s worth. Of course, it’s great to have multiple options, and it’s always a boost to your ego, let alone your sex life. However, having to make sure that they never interact, or having to explain to one of them why you’re busy sometimes on weekends can be a little exhausting.

The best guy I ever saw at juggling multiple women was managing about five at one time. He had his main girl who lived in a different part of the country, and four local girls.

How the hell did he do it you ask?

It’s pretty ingenious.

The way to pull it off is to generally juggle the non-primary girls, and then whenever your main squeeze comes to town you blowup and get into a fight about some random thing with each of the other girls.

You weren’t really mad, but the girls don’t know that, and it gives you a cover for not calling them or returning your calls for a good week or two.

Sure in that week or two you risk them finding some other guy, but that’s the life of a juggler, and the important thing is that your main squeeze will have little to no chance of having them randomly stop by.

This guys was “lucky” in that his main squeeze was not living in the same city, but this principle can be applied to purely intra-city juggling. You generally juggle and when you need to intensively spend time with one of the options, you create some fake blowup with the others.

To be clear, the Love Doctor definitely does not prescribe or recommend this hectic life style, but I’m just here to help you do what you want to do, and this is how you do it.

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The Dutch Equation March 19, 2007

Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, More Money More Problems, Strategery, The Love Equation.
4 comments

Before in Has America Gone Dutch? I outlined my understanding of where America, or at least NYC is, with who pays for these expensive dates we all go on. I’ve heard some feedback that the post has already helped some people out on actual dates, which is what I like to hear. I’ve also written about The Love Equation twice before.

So what’s this Dutch Equation? Well, it’s really advice for women on how they can greatly improve their dating life by way of the almighty dollar.

As I explained before, guys are expected to pickup the tab at least on the first date, usually a few after that, and eventually reach paying parity by the fourth date (unless you’re an I banker – in which case they’re probably just dating you for your money unless you’re really good looking).

But what if the girl just started splitting the date from the beginning? What would happen? What would happen is that if a woman makes this a policy, it will improve her dating life 100%. Not being a women, I can only imagine, but it has to be an exhilarating feeling to go out on the town have a great dinner and drinks, and maybe go to some great spot afterwards knowing for sure (at least on the first date) that it will be paid for in full by the guy taking you out. That’s a hard gig to willingly give-up, but if you do, you will come out on top in the game of life. Here’s why…

A decent dinner date followed by something fun afterwards costs about $100 dollars in NYC. There’s no way around it, that’s what it’s going to cost to go to a nice place and do something else after. That’s incredibly expensive. In fact, for myself and some other gents I know, that price tag keeps us from going on as many dates as we might otherwise go on. Imagine you meet this great guy, go out on a first date, have a great time, and he graciously pays for everything. But then he doesn’t ask you out again for a few weeks, even though you’re sure he had a great time.

What happened?

Well a lot of things could have happened, but what may have happened is that…he can’t afford you… or at least taking you out like that every week.

Here, even not splitting on the first date gets in the way of a love connection, because he’s not sure when you’ll start to and if worried about impoverishing himself taking you out.

So, if the girl starts splitting from the beginning, she can be sure that she won’t not get a call from a great guy, for something as dumb as the timing of his paycheck!

And what does it really cost her to split from the beginning. While going out for free is a great feeling, it’s not really that much. For dates of $100, based on Has America Gone Dutch?, splitting from the beginning saves no more than $150 the guy would have otherwise paid during the first three dates.

I think a chance at true love, a great relationship, or maybe just a steady flow of good sex is worth $150.

Don’t you think?

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