How Do I Get Him To Be in a Relationship? March 26, 2007
Posted by The Love Doctor in Dating, Relationships, Strategery.trackback
That’s the eternal question.
The narrative usually goes that two people are hooking up, and after awhile, the girl wants a commitment.
Now we all know that that is a simplistic narrative, and that things are oftentimes not actually that way.
But we also know that there is truth to this narrative, in perhaps the majority of these we’re just hooking up situations.
So, what should a women do to get a guy to commit to her who she develops feelings for, but who is technically just hooking up with her?
The answer is……..nothing…….just be fabulous.
Many women make the mistake of brining up commitment, and starting to sometimes nag the guy about becoming monogamous. This approach oftentimes works, often happens begrudgingly, and can have long term resentment effects on the relationships that result.
The other mistake women often make to try and transition a guy from hookup buddy to boyfriend is to try and make him feel insecure by starting to hang out with other boys, her ex-boys, or just becoming generally more flirtatious with others. This approach also often works because the guy feels threatened and wants to “lock” you down. However, similarly, this tactic, though successful, has long term negative effects on the underlying trust of the subsequent relationship. It also sets a bad precedent for how to get your way about future issues of disagreement during the actual relationship.
The best answer, as I said above, is really to just do nothing and be fabulous.
The following doesn’t apply if you’re really just hooking up, but will work if there’s some underlying larger interest.
Of course, if he’s just sleeping with you for your body and just to hook up, you’re sort of out of luck anyways.
However, if the guy also genuinely likes you, he will eventually want to start a relationship with you for the same reasons he first started dating you……….. you’re fabulous.
Instead of starting a nagging campaign, keep being yourself, and keep doing what you were doing when he first got interested.
In fact, the best approach is not to bring it up, but wait for him to do it, and the relationship will never feel like an obligation to him. That’s, really key.
If he has to ask you, it will set a solid foundation that gets out of that guy-relationship-as-obligation-narrative that everybody is sick of hearing about anyways.
In short, keep having fun with him and in the relationship. While the other approaches are negative, this approach is positive, because it gives him a positive reason to date you by showing him why he should, not by trying to explain to him that he should want to.
If you keep having fun, keeping being yourself, and keep the relationship dynamic, he’ll eventually realize he wants to be in a relationship with you.
And you won’t even have to have one “talk.”
And if he doesn’t come around, then he never would have wanted to. Although he may been convinced to……..and really……….. who wants somebody as a boyfriend they had to convince to date them?
- The Love Doctor
i think your advice is absolutely correct and astute.
there is no point trying to bargain with someone to commit, it will come back and bite you in the butt later. just do what you do, homie and fight the urge.
but what is about those damn endorphins that make a girl get all territorial and emotional, is there some way to hardwire that? it can happen even if you know damn well your cutbuddy is a genetically engineered lothario, the urge shortcircuits all logic. i dont know many girls who successfully shortciruit the googly eyed tendencies, i know some girls who pretend to do so and even fewer who succeed. except for using the tactic of dating several men at once and only letting them give her oral pleasure, which can work.
it can go both ways. there are some guys that also get real intent to lock a girl down, promise you the world, not for sex, in and of itself, but for your commitment, your promise to commit. what ercentage of men fall into this category? like 10? 20?
my last two bf’s were relentless in locking me down even when i was like hey im trying to playing the field shawty. but i ended having more fun in the relationship than in the field so c’est la vie.
what are signs that a guys is the lockdown type and signs that a guy is a consumate bachelor and not worth developing feelings for?
I am a lockdown type.
maybe the woman is just having a goodtime hanging out with her guy friends, because she always has a goodtime with them. And maybe she is just being flirtatious and free-spirited by nature and that is probably one of things about her that intrigued you at the first place.
If you are secure enough of yourself, you shouldn’t see her behavior as a tactic, you should be proud that she is fabulous and everyone else seem to think so. You should have taken it as a compliment that she wants to keep “hooking-up” with you, instead of making it into something negative.
Maybe she did develop feelings for you first, but if you expect her to be fabulous, you have to be nevertheless. When goodtimes stops and negativity takes over, then it’s time for both of you to move on.
Just my 2 cents :)